As you already know, I’ve been on a podcast-binge recently, and I’m loving every minute of it. Except for that, these conversations that I listen to are so inspiring (hello Sarah Jessica Parker and La Parisienne) and make me absolutely hate my day job. I’ve already been falling out of love with it since last summer (so almost a year now) and have known that I need to get out, soon. But hearing these brilliant people discuss their life’s passions, their struggles, their dreams, and the experience of their journeys always leaves me feeling so conflicted – I feel trapped in the 9-5 cycle and like I’m just wasting away the best years of my life on work I no longer love to do.
The best part of my job, though, is that I met two young women who have become a couple of the best friends in my whole life. They’re incredibly hilarious, deeply loving, sweetly vulnerable, and tenderly patient with me struggling through my twenties. It’s seriously, without a doubt, the best gift the universe has ever given me. I love them so much. It’s kind of ridiculous. Like this.
Naturally, after finishing this morning’s podcast and walking into my office feeling my soul just disintegrating, I found my way toward one of my friends to tell her what was going on… She’s always so gracious with her attention, patience, and time. I’m not always easy to listen to (ha!), especially because my method for processing feelings and information alike is to talk about it! I’m really expressive by nature, so I really have to talk something out like kneading dough in order to fully feel and understanding where I’m at. I’m so grateful to have friends that can put up with this often inconvenient strategy, lol.
So I tell her about my frustrations and my desire to pursue my passions more deliberately. And as I’m talking, I notice my posture curling ever more forward until I finally realized I was just slumped over. “My boobs are sagging,” I said, randomly, mid-sentence, and straightened myself back up. And after she told me that THEY SO ARE NOT and that I have some solid years left before that starts to happen, she said to me, “I believe that when we ask the universe for something, we’re admitting to it and confirming that we don’t have something that we need.”
Our chats always give me something to think about. After listening to that inspiring podcast during my morning commute, I had already begun to think about what would make me happy–like truly, truly happy–with how I spend my days, and what I would have to do to change the way things currently are in order to improve my day to day life. The idea had always rolled around in my mind, but I had never sat down to deliberate it, ever. It was more so like a pile of clothes I never wanted to fold that I kept shuffling around from one corner to the next. But I’m already anticipating my birthday, of course, even though it’s still months away (we all know how I feel about birthdays, and if you don’t, just take a gander at this hysterical episode here), and thus contemplating what I’ve accomplished, what I have yet to do, and now, most importantly: what can I do to actually make a change? Even just a little, tiny, baby-step change.
It’s time to take a real moment to do some real thinking. What would make me happy? What isn’t make me happy now? What do I need to change?
My list is made up of a few, rather basic, but very expensive things: living (alone) in New York City, having a studio space where I can go to write and/or paint, TIME to write and/or paint (doesn’t have to be every damn day, but a few times a week, or just more regularly would be ideal), a job that pays well enough to afford rent in this ridiculous city and offers solid healthcare and is fulfilling enough that it isn’t soul-crushing and doesn’t drain me of my energy or my lust for life…..
You know, just the basics!
I told my friend about it, and she said something so simple but so special. She said, “Often when I dream about what I want, I have to remind myself to dream bigger.” When I shared my list with my mom, she said the same thing! She was like, “If you’re going to wish for whatever you want, you should wish for A LOT MORE!” And that’s really stuck with me. Now that I’ve made a list, I guess I should revisit it and rethink a few things…
What about you homeslices? What makes you truly happy? Are there any changes you would make to achieve that happiness?