Spark and Substance, Pt. II.

When I wrote Spark and Substance, Pt. I, I really had a specific idea of what Pt. II was going to look like. I thought I’d be sitting here, smiling as I share a giddy little update about my life, about the person I had met and how well things had unfolded between us.

When people say dating is hard, they’re right. I’d heard that for so many years and naively thought myself to be the exception to that norm. But it’s quite true. Dating is very hard. I’m only at the beginning of this part of the journey and I’m already discouraged. I’m already wondering why I admitted to myself and to the world that I want something more. I was fine. Things were fine. Sure, they could’ve been better. And the wiser part of me knows that this frustration just comes with the territory of finding “better” – whatever that may be. But still. It sucks, to be honest.

Things with that guy didn’t work out, needless to say. And for the best, of course. Yes, there was a silver lining, and sure, I’m grateful for that. It was a killer silver lining. It not working out with him brought me closer to myself in a way I haven’t quite been in years. And of course that means something to me. It means a lot, actually. I know I’m being vague, but I’ll go into more detail about what I truly learned from that experience, what that silver lining is, another time.

And sure, it hasn’t been that long since that short-but-valuable experience. I did happen to bump into a new face, not too long after that. The day that ended, actually, I met someone else. Funny timing. Lucky, some might say. It was the perfect distraction, I will admit that. I’m grateful the universe had our paths cross at that particular moment because otherwise I was going to keep crying over a guy who was never going to show up for me, and that’s just pointless. So yes, I’m grateful. I was hopeful, too, though. That something new would spark up. There’s been banter, but it’s mild.

One of my best friends once told me, “you want to be so much more ahead than you actually are, but you’re exactly where you are meant to be along your journey. Not any further ahead, and not any further behind.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. She said that to me not even a year ago. Or maybe it has been a year. I can’t tell anymore. But in any case, I can’t believe  how I was feeling then when she said that to me – I remember exactly who and what I was frustrated about: a young man I was never supposed to fall for, and never truly did, but had convinced myself that I had. Yeah…”crazy talk,” as they say. And I just can’t believe that I’m feeling that exact same angst, anger, disappointment, frustration, and pain, and for the same reason, but under completely different circumstances.

She also talks a lot about admitting to the world what we want. I feel like I’ve done that in so many ways, but maybe writing about it is a different, perhaps more deliberate, perhaps equally desperate, declamation. So here it is: I feel ready for something, something really fucking real. The kind of thing that keeps bringing tears to your eyes even years after its gone, for the sheer beauty of the experience and life’s betrayal of it not working out. And maybe it doesn’t have to be so tragic. I’d love for it not to be, for once. But that’s not the point. The point is: I feel so half-hearted about online dating, I poke and like and message and whatever the fuck just to say that I did it. I know, deep down though, I’m just going through the motions. Because I haven’t come across anyone that snagged my soul in any special way. And I know that’s a high expectation to have, maybe, of online dating, or just in general. But I see no sense in lying about how I feel and what I want. I want my soul to snag onto someone. And I want to snag onto theirs. I really do. I feel like I have this fiery red ball of energy at my core, buzzing and spinning faster and faster, and sending waves of my inner power and spirit up through every stream of me and pumping love into my soul and out of me like a golden flood of passion bursting through a damn. That’s where I am. I have momentum, and it’s not slowing down. I may be alone in that momentum, for now, but I have it.

And it feels like a great win and an inconsolable loss, all at the same time. Because here’s something else I realized: the majority of my life’s most significant experiences of love and sex and romance, kind of just fell into my path. Sure, I had the hunger for them and pursued each in their own way. But it really feels like, regardless of whether they ended well (they didn’t), they evolved without too much struggle and strife. Maybe retrospect is too romanticized, but I honestly don’t think I’m romanticizing. In high school, in college, after college, I was open to things happening, and they did. It kind of just happened. But now, it’s shaping up to feel like, I’m open, I’m ready, and nothing is really happening. And apparently, in the modern dating world, this is normal. I feel like a child who just discovered Santa isn’t real. Honestly, I feel like such a fool. People spend years of their lives in this waiting game. It’s insane. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. It’s so discouraging. I admit, again, it’s probably ridiculous to have a high expectation for something to come my way, to fall into my path. But is it?

Whatever the case may be, this is where I am now. I’m not further along, I’m not further behind, I’m right here. And my core energy and passion isn’t slowing down. It makes the waiting game that much harder, which really sucks, but I know I just have to hang on. Which I hate. Really, I do. I hate it. I hate waiting. Of the Divina Commedia, Purgatorio was the one section I could not bear to read, that’s how much I hate the in-between. Of anything. For me, it’s always been hell or paradise. Which probably isn’t wise. Maybe that’s something I need to work on, in order to get to the next part, whatever it is.

This really isn’t what I thought Pt. II was going to be about, but, it is what it is. And qué será, será. Right?

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